Help! I think I've turned American

I dream I could take a pill and be able to speak fluent French and live happily in Provence thanks to my lottery win (still waiting for my numbers to come up). However recently I think I’m an American.

The signs are:

1.   After hundreds of hours of revision disguised as watching TV. I’m sure I’m fully qualified to work for any of these three letters - BAU, NCIS, CTU, FBI, CIA, SUV, CBI etc. I think I know more about the US Navy than the British one. Semper Fi!

2.   If I ever had kids – I think Dexter, Walden, Chandler, Brick and Axel are great names for them.

3.   I ‘profile’ everyone (reason 1001 why I’m still single) including family, friends and work colleagues and I’m sure a few of them show serial killer/psychopath characteristics.

4.   Obsessed with random numbers – what does they mean? Is it the end of the world? Where do the threads lead to? 

5.   My manners have improved my swearing has been reduced to letters. For true no B.S you S.O.B! But I have stopped myself from calling people Sir and Ma’am

6.   When I watch Sky, BBC and France 24 news I think unsubs and perps instead of suspects and defendants and if I ever found myself in trouble I would ‘lawyer up’.

7.   I think there is a ‘Revolution’ coming whenever there is a power cut or when my phone/laptop battery is low. I’ve even printed a few of my favourite photos just in case.

8.  My walk to the office with other Wage Slaves it feels like I’m stuck in a Walking Dead episode I feel more Walker than Walker Bait.

9.  Even after 9 years since its last episode I SO still speak like Chandler…and continue to use their catchphrases.  For Example ‘I’m not just a hat stand my friend’ & ‘Lips moving still talking’.

10.If I ever suffer from a blunt force trauma I wouldn’t go to Casualty I would go to the ER.

I still have a bit of Britishness left in me.  I don’t have the same appetite like Hannibal, I haven’t felt the need to fight crime with a bow and arrow and  I haven’t broken out into song yet like Glee or Smash and in Birmingham the only music in the streets is usually the out of tune local loons and drunks not like the talented bunch in Treme.

All I can now say is God Bless America!!!

Comedy Fridays

TGI/TFI Friday, Happy Vendredi, Weekend Eve, whatever you want to call it it’s the end of another crappy ‘working’ week, and with the cold dark nights and having no social life – I need a good laugh and Sky One and Comedy Central give me that tiny piece of happiness.

I can always rely on Friends. Eight years since it finished after 236 shows of pure joy, but just like E4 Comedy Central only repeats certain episodes.  I think it’s time to get the box set out again, it’s been a long time since I watched my favourites ‘The One Where No One’s Ready’ Series 3 Episode 2 and ‘The One with the Embryos’ Series 4 episode 12. I do think if Chandler had a spin off show instead of Joey it would have been a massive hit. Talking of friends I’m missing Moone Boy, I wish Chris O'Dowd was my imaginary friend…in fact I think he might be my 'friend' from now on. 

After being there for the New York six, I stay on Comedy Central for Two And A Half Men. I never watched the Charlie Sheen shows, because I didn’t find him funny just annoying. However Ashton Kutcher’s Walden Schmidt, is funny (even thou Alan has the majority of the jokes), not annoying and very easy on the eye. Was it just me or did anyone else think the episode with Miley Cyrus, was a new episode of Hannah Montana – ‘The one where Hannah gets a haircut’.  Note to America - us Brits don't speak like Zoe!

Switch straight over to Sky 1 for The Middle, a perfect birth control show: Enough to put you off kids. If you call your kids Axel and Brick you're asking for trouble, then again Sue is a normal name and she is far from normal. The kids are funny but Mom and Dad have the best lines… ‘best lines’ I whispered as I look down. If I have to explain the repeated whisper obviously you don’t watch The Middle.  I loved Everyone loves Raymond and it’s seems Frankie (Patricia Heaton) has divorced Raymond; he won custody of the kids and she when off to marry Mike and raised 3 weird freak-kids

Then after a few hours of catching up on my endless supply of American Cop dramas, it’s time for a bit of sport on League Of Their Own. Yes a bit of sport because when I break down a typical show it isn’t very sporty.

 

1 hour long programme

20 minutes   = Adverts.

5 minutes     = James Corden sucking up to the sportsmen/women.

5 minutes     = Everyone admiring Jamie Redknapp’s beauty            

10 minutes   = Making funny of Jack Whitehall poshness

5 minutes     = Plugging Freddie Flintoff sponsorship deals

10 minutes   = Sporting challenges 

5 minutes     = Sporting clips

60minutes

 

And I know it’s not Friday but Raising Hope, is it wrong to fancy Bert?