The Audience – My Five Star Weekend

A break from the box last weekend it was time for a bit of culture, a five star lifestyle and an A-List Movie Star by spending a weekend in London to watch Dame Helen Mirren in the play – The Audience at the Gielgud Theatre.

The plan was to travel down to London early, visit some of the sites and enjoy some retail therapy before the play.  Not matter how many times I go to the London there is still new experiences and regular tourist spots are never boring.  This times new experience was living like a celebrity - our hotel on Shaftesbury Avenue (15 seconds away from the theatre Google said) was overbooked and they moved us to the very stylish five star hotel near Marble Arch and Hyde Park – the Mont Calm.  I can’t blame our original hotel staff, they said it was a computer glitch, and they upgraded us and paid for all our taxis. I think I saw more of London this weekend than ever before as I was travelling along the roads in people carriers with blacked out window instead of the miserable Tube. The Mont Calm staff were very pleasant and helpful and even managed to not laugh when we handed over our tatty supermarket ‘Bags for Life’ when checking in.

I had questions before the play. History and Politics aren’t my favourite things would this play keep me interested?  Will the woman from Dead the Dead Donkey play Maggie Thatcher well? Will my Thatcherite Mother approval? Will my Thatcherite Mother heckle Blair? Luckily there was no Blair but a lot of funny one-liners at his expense thou, and what does one wear when mixing with the Lovies? This was no average theatre trip to watch a touring Musical in Boredville – this was Dame Helen!  But my money was as good as any other Lovie (£76 for a stalls ticket and £14 for three drinks at the theatre bar) so my best jeans would have to do. 

This play was actually a 2 ½ hour witty history lesson of two people gossiping, it just so happened these two characters was a Head of State played by a massive Movie Star and a Prime Minister played by ‘I know that face from somewhere’ said the TV addict.   I’m still on the right side of 40 so any Prime Minister pre -Thatcher I had to ask my Mom who they were apart from Winston Churchill (Robert Hardy) of course.  John Major (Paul Ritter) actually looked like John ‘Normal’ Major. The only PM to receive applause before speaking was Margaret Thatcher (Haydn Gwynne) as she stomped on stage. I actually felt sorry for Gordon Brown (Nathaniel Parker) as his tried to dig himself out of the big hole his predecessor dug for him, jokes about Mr and Mrs Blair raised a laugh, and I feel I was in the middle of a Conservative Party Conference until David Cameron (Rufus Wright) and his fake tan came on. I could imagine him sending the Queen to sleep in real life. Yes ‘The Queen’ has the best lines closely followed by Harold Wilson (Richard McCable) who rumour as it was Her Majesty favourite PM with his straight talking and northern humour and I would agree with that option – in Theatre World, as real PMs aren’t interesting or funny. 

Scenes where the Queen is talking to her younger self showed her human side and scenes with the PMs showed her humour and that her duty mean she would always support the Government (even if she didn’t agree with certain decisions).  This script and Helen Mirren also showed that not only is Her Majesty the Head of State, she is also a part time unpaid therapist.

The next time I will probably see Queen Helen will be more Orange Wednesday (EE Wednesday doesn’t sound right) instead of Five Star Saturday.

2012 Review: Inspired By The Box

Where do I start travel or television? The good, the bad or the ugly?


The highlight as to be the Olympics and Paralympics for travel and TV, it made a change watching real talent and real stars (note to self - cancel Sky Sports subscription. I’m bored of overpaid arrogant footballers) not wannabees and has-beens on reality TV shows. I loved going to London this summer during the Olympics, and I would argue with Disney over the ‘happiest place on earth’ tag because I’m sure during the summer of 2012 London won that gold medal.

It wasn’t all positives this year,  £800 for 2 nights room only in a London Holiday Inn Express, still chained to my desk and I wasted my time watching a group of one-hit wonders called Alcatraz, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behaviour and the aptly titled Unforgettable – I liked them.  At least Damien Lewis’s Life lasted two seasons.

It was au revoir to Desperate Housewives and Harry’s Law and bonjour to Touch, Elementary and Homeland, even thou I’m still not sure if I enjoyed season 2 it was all over the place.  Guy Pearce’s Jack Irish, Arrow and Person of Interest were all 5 star and American Horror Story: Asylum and Girls (I think I’m getting old) were a dirty 1 star hostel which I walked away from after two episodes.

With foreign TV (meaning non English speaking shows) I was gutted I missed Romanzo Criminale season 2 the first time around on Sky Arts but the series link is now in place for the repeats and Vinicio Marchioni is my first crush of 2013. Then there is the French.  Braquo season 2 was magnifique bring on season 3 and Mansion Close was alright but did drag on a bit. Now for 2013 so far there is Hard on Sky Arts, watching a comedy about a straight-laced widow running a porn business should be interesting especially when I’m watching it with my Mom in the room. Merci it’s in another language.

Vinicio Marchioni

On the travel front apart from London being my top destination for 2012 I only managed two trips abroad.  In April I went to Switzerland for the first time – a long weekend of après-ski in Verbier and an hour running around a windy Geneva trying to see as much as possible.  The other was a beautiful week in Provence, visiting Nimes, Arles, Salon de Provence, Aix en Provence and Istres with Monsieur X as my personal tour guide, host and cook.

Windy Geneva

Hot Salon de Provence

My 'Disneyland' - Olympic Park

But what about 2013? More travelling for starters and until then I have my faithful box in the corner…it’s only the 6^th January and with new seasons of NCIS, Bones, Stella and Silent Witness starting this week and getting closer to the second half of Walking Dead season 3 and Sky’s new Kevin Bacon show the Following (FYI loving the EE Bacon ads) I think it’s going to be a great year.

New Year Resolutions?  Yes!

No more ‘R’s – repeats and reality (massive fail as I’m watching Celebrity Big Brother).
More ‘T’s – Travel and (Quality) TV.

My Travel (& Job) Bucket List: Hotel Secrets

My horoscope for December was: ‘A way of working that involves travel could open up for you’. I hope you were right Mystic Meg and all last month’s hard work on my CV is going to pay off.

Watching Richard E Grant’s Hotel Secrets again over Christmas has relighted my passion for travel and my love of staying in and working with hotels again. Yes all these hotels 'REG' visited are way out of my price range but I can dream, even thou I would give the hotels from episode 2 -‘Living and Dying’ a miss if I could stay anywhere in the world. The Hotel Chelsea in New York which was part of the Sid and Nancy story was too dark and creepy – I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

If money was no object (and I do accept freebies) I would narrow down my list to Caesars Palace, the Beverly Hills Hotel, and the Savoy London. But I did love the views from U2's Clarence Hotel in Dublin, the very James Bond-style hidden televisions behind paintings in London's Lanesborough, the very witty Paddy the Porter at Ireland's Ashford Castle and the St Regis $9,500 a night Dior Room in New York however I must make sure I don't the same time as Elton John as I wouldn't want to downgrade.

REG finished off his short series in my favourite part of the world – South of France. Of course he didn’t stay in the same areas to me; I stayed in Miramas and a one Star hotel on the outskirts of Avignon he stayed in top hotels in Monaco, Nice, Juan-les-Pins, Cap d’Antibes and St Tropez (they too are on my bucket list) but he did visit Cannes as have I.

I stayed in Monsieur X’s apartment with 10 other Photographers sleeping on a mattress; I can’t imagine REG doing that. I went during the film festival in 2010 and spent most of the time there walking up and down la Croisette star spotting joining the crowds standing outside these hotels so it was good to see what was behind the posh cars, security and doors. The closest I go to a life of a Film Star was walking through the lobby and bar of the Carlton Hotel with Monsieur X to see an Art exhibition, we never made it to the Roman Polanski suite like REG. 

 

Now I want a new job, my current position chained to a desk is driving me mad, my feet are getting itchy and my passport is begging me to use it. Of course Bon Jovi Tour manager or being Richard E Grant would be cool, but back to the real world. 

Four years ago I was working overseas for a holiday company, firstly as an Customer Service Administrator in Spain, sorting out angry guests complaints (again stuck behind a desk) and trust me the customer is NEVER always right and then as a Health and Safety Co -Ordinator staying in amazing (and not so great) hotels in the Caribbean for one year then returning to Europe for another summer of visiting hotels in Italy.  I lived in Ibiza, Orlando, and Sicily but never stayed in any hotels, visiting the Caribbean was a different story and even thou my stays in these hotels were short the majority of them were sweet too.  My favourites (so far) were:

Galley Bay – Antigua.

I only stayed one night there and after a day of auditing two or three hotels I never left my room because I was too busy taking photos of its every angle of the room and the sea views, having the biggest bubble bath ever, my bedroom in Boredville is probably the same size as this bath.

 Galley Bay

 

Divi Little Bay – St Martin

They upgraded me to an apartment and the hotel was very nice and staff very friendly. I think it was all of my stay in St Martin which made this trip memorable. Monsieur X was working on the island at the time, so I had someone to spend my free time with, and someone to enjoy the excursions I had to check with. Monsieur X and my chauffeur for the week were my unofficial tour guides I felt I saw more of this Caribbean island than any of the other islands I spend more time on.

Divi Little Bay is down there somewhere

Tropical Escape, Barbados

A beautiful small clean hotel and the only negatives about my stay there was a minority of vile guests who never read the brochure, and when they found out I worked for a particular travel company, they made my life hell with their pathetic complaints. Sandy Lane it isn't but you get what you pay for and more due to the pleasant and helpful staff.

It’s been five years since my visit (way too long to stay away from the islands) but I would also give a special mention to…..Blue Waters Antigua, when I redecorate my bedroom it will be styled like their rooms and the House hotel in Barbados this quiet small hotel is the perfect chill-pill to escape the rat race for a week or two.

My escape from those horrible guests

So note to Sky - If REG goes off sick I would work for free...and travel expenses. But maybe Sky could give me a job visiting the world’s worse hotels (note two to Sky -if Carl Pilkington is ill, see note 1). I have plenty of experience in this field, yes 5 star hotels are amazing and it’s easy to remember my favourites but after I’ve checked out of a truly horrible hotel they are the ones that stay in my memory bank the longest… cue photos

Of course I won’t name these hotels; one was a hotel in Jamaica. It was a clean hotel, beautiful sea and sunset views and no problems with the staff. However staying alone in a hotel full of ageing couples giving me a wink and a smile scared the hell out of me and in my hotel room the only free TV channels I had was CNN and Playboy and there is only so much CNN anyone can watch in one night.

I will name Sandals hotels in Jamaica as not being the best hotels I have stayed in. The staff was very helpful, the hotel and rooms were beautiful and the grounds and beaches were clean and spacious. But again I had to stay in these hotels on my own looking like a jilted bride on her honeymoon.  These guests didn’t scare me, their stares made me paranoid instead. The first few days of stay I would hide in my amazing room making the most of the bathroom freebies and mini bar.

With Italy I will let the photos do the talking, these photos are 4 years old and hopefully the hotel got its act together or its been knocked down.

 The Honeymoon Suite - complete with stains

 The Gym -  where you can swing from the ceiling.

 If you want a room with wallpaper, you will have to pay extra.

 The lounge/ climbing frame for the kids

Can you run to the pool before this rubbish falls on your head

So to all the hotel chains who want someone to test their hotel services and to Sky and all the other TV networks, who need someone to carry any of your stars bags on their next trip. My diary is currently empty and my passport and me are ready to go!

CV and references available on request.

Comedy Fridays

TGI/TFI Friday, Happy Vendredi, Weekend Eve, whatever you want to call it it’s the end of another crappy ‘working’ week, and with the cold dark nights and having no social life – I need a good laugh and Sky One and Comedy Central give me that tiny piece of happiness.

I can always rely on Friends. Eight years since it finished after 236 shows of pure joy, but just like E4 Comedy Central only repeats certain episodes.  I think it’s time to get the box set out again, it’s been a long time since I watched my favourites ‘The One Where No One’s Ready’ Series 3 Episode 2 and ‘The One with the Embryos’ Series 4 episode 12. I do think if Chandler had a spin off show instead of Joey it would have been a massive hit. Talking of friends I’m missing Moone Boy, I wish Chris O'Dowd was my imaginary friend…in fact I think he might be my 'friend' from now on. 

After being there for the New York six, I stay on Comedy Central for Two And A Half Men. I never watched the Charlie Sheen shows, because I didn’t find him funny just annoying. However Ashton Kutcher’s Walden Schmidt, is funny (even thou Alan has the majority of the jokes), not annoying and very easy on the eye. Was it just me or did anyone else think the episode with Miley Cyrus, was a new episode of Hannah Montana – ‘The one where Hannah gets a haircut’.  Note to America - us Brits don't speak like Zoe!

Switch straight over to Sky 1 for The Middle, a perfect birth control show: Enough to put you off kids. If you call your kids Axel and Brick you're asking for trouble, then again Sue is a normal name and she is far from normal. The kids are funny but Mom and Dad have the best lines… ‘best lines’ I whispered as I look down. If I have to explain the repeated whisper obviously you don’t watch The Middle.  I loved Everyone loves Raymond and it’s seems Frankie (Patricia Heaton) has divorced Raymond; he won custody of the kids and she when off to marry Mike and raised 3 weird freak-kids

Then after a few hours of catching up on my endless supply of American Cop dramas, it’s time for a bit of sport on League Of Their Own. Yes a bit of sport because when I break down a typical show it isn’t very sporty.

 

1 hour long programme

20 minutes   = Adverts.

5 minutes     = James Corden sucking up to the sportsmen/women.

5 minutes     = Everyone admiring Jamie Redknapp’s beauty            

10 minutes   = Making funny of Jack Whitehall poshness

5 minutes     = Plugging Freddie Flintoff sponsorship deals

10 minutes   = Sporting challenges 

5 minutes     = Sporting clips

60minutes

 

And I know it’s not Friday but Raising Hope, is it wrong to fancy Bert?

 

 

Decisions or Décisions: TV Dream Homes and/or Foreign Destinations

‘How to buy a house’ and ‘jobs involving travel’ were my Google searches this weekend. Still deciding whether I should stay in Boredville and buy my own place or go travelling and live out of a suitcase for a couple of years.  I know my decision would be a lot easier if my family didn’t live in Boredville or if there was any future with my current job #sinkingship .

Then I switch on the box and transport my brain into TV world. I’ve stopped watching Place in the Sun type of programmes; they don’t inspire me they depress me, but what about living on planet TV? Add harp music and a big thinking cloud above my head, now I could probably be happy in Southfork Ranch in Dallas, but looks like too much hard work with the oil business and all those family fights.

 

Or there is the apartment in New Girl, not very believable though.  How can a school teacher, barman, office worker and unemployed basketball player afford a massive apartment/penthouse like that? It’s a bigger fairy-tale than Grimm. Plus points a gorgeous apartment and Nick but Jess and her constant singing would drive me mad if she was my flat mate.
 

New Girl: How could a teacher afford this?

 

Monica's Pad: The Dream

The ultimate place to live would have to be Monica and Rachel’s New York apartment (or any TV New York apartment) when Joey and Chandler lived there because I would have Chandler’s Lazy Boy (I dream of the day I can afford my own). Yes living in New York with a coffee shop close by full of your friends who are funny all the time would be perfect, but these TV accommodations aren’t within my price range. I think I could just about pay the mortage repayments for the shacks in Raising Hope or The Middle.
 

 

Raising Hope: More my price range

 

Oui! In the real world France would be my first choice if I decided to pack my bags. I just wish there a language pill giving me the ability to speak French because the books and CDs aren’t helping, but in France TV world the brothel in Maison Close on Sky Arts or the Eddie Caplan's boat in Braquo isn’t my ideal accommodation. 

Currently I’m in the process of sorting out everything I own and everything my sister has left behind when she moved out a few months ago in to four piles 'Keep' 'Charity' 'eBay/Car Boot' or 'Bin' (hmmm a good idea for a daytime TV show (c) englishchouchou). I have more space but still don't have any independence or privacy. I can’t invite friends to stay, and my life is still in boxes. But with all the money I should make, it can go towards a flight ticket or a flat deposit?

Decisions, Décisions!

 

 

 

French Weekend - Part 1

199 days until Cannes Film Festival. 35 days since I left my favourite country and the company of Monsieur X and I’m feeling very sorry for myself. I don’t want to scrap the ice off my car; I want to be sightseeing in Provence again.  So instead of listening to my learn French Cd's or looking though all my photos of my travels to France, I decided to watch a few of my Frenchie DVD collection.  If I can’t go to France maybe France can come to me and my sofa.

Beautiful Lies

I wish I looked like the gorgeous Audrey Tautou, I wish I had the talent of Audrey Tautou, Damm I wish I was Audrey Tautou!

This romantic comedy about a girl who tries to help her mom’s love life by playing cupid between her mom and the odd-job man who has a crush on Audrey’s character Emilie not her mother.  It’s a sweet comedy, nothing I haven’t seen before but much better than the usual American rom-coms.  

As I didn’t really have to think too much during this film, I used these 2 hours as a French lesson.

1. Read the subtitles and hope to pick up a few extra words to my très petite French vocabulary.
2. Take notes on Audrey/Emilie’s simple tomboy but feminine style:  Short bedhead hair, skinny jeans and fitted t-shirts.
3. Add Sete, the South of France to my Travel Bucket List. The beautiful marina setting would be an amazing place to live, after I have won the lottery.

After I went to Boredville City Centre for a short bedhead haircut and priced up the jeans and t-shirts in Gap.

French Film

‘I am a lucky man, lucky for three reasons.
Firstly because I am French.  
Secondly because I understand movies and third because I understand love…

...but mainly because I’m French’

Thierry Grimandi aka Eric Cantona.

So it’s not actually a French film but a British comedy. I needed to rest my eyes from all the subtitle reading. It was British humour at its best, but probably only the British would understand it. It wasn’t a piss-take of the French, I thought the joke was on us Brits and our inability to show ‘love’ and our different views of the L word too, and I thought my one experience of love was complicated.  I did watch it last month with Monsieur X he said it was OK and that he didn’t find it insulting - but he hasn’t spoken to me since so maybe he didn’t get the humour.

Hugh Bonneville was very good as the anti - love anti- French Englishman Jed and so was Anne-Marie Duff who played Sophie the gullible girlfriend of Hugh arrogant friend Marcus.  Then there is the reason I brought this DVD - Eric ‘the King’ Cantona who played film director Thierry Grimandi an over the top stereotypical French character who Jed was researching.  Whether Eric is a footballer, a detective (Switch) or an arty filmmaker – he just oozes cool.

Les Petit Mouchoirs

Back in September 2009, I went to visit Monsieur X, in another beautiful part of France, Lege Cap Ferret. During my stay, the filming of Les Petit Mouchoirs/Little White Lies was happening, and we did spent a few days cycling around the area looking out for the film set. All we found were high fences and people claiming to be friends of the actors or working on the film set.

I had to wait for 2 years for this film to be shown in the UK (it was worth it) and then another year until its DVD release and the opportunity to watch it over and over again.  Of course I love this film because of the scenery and my memories but the story is excellent as well. It’s about friendship and secrets showing all the characters highs and lows and it isn’t mushy like most American and British friendship/love story films and it is very funny.  François Cluzet is excellent as weasel hating stress head Max and my favourite Frenchie of the weekend Gilles Lellouche plays the hot Eric. To anyone who has seen this film, how many people to you think are actually trying the ’love/hate rice test’? I did think about it but I don’t think using Uncle Ben’s Microwave rice would work.

Excellent….and the soundtrack is cool and very overplayed. When I’m driving home in the rain after a merde day at work, I put these songs on and dream I’m driving around Cap Ferret it usually de-stresses me before I put my key in the door.

Cap Ferret 2009

Point Blank

Starring my Frenchie of the weekend Gilles Lellouche (a brilliant actor who just so happens to be hot) who played Samuel. Samuel was a married nurse whose pregnant wife was ready to pop. But like most loved up couples in the movie world, disaster strikes and his wife is kidnapped and he is forced to help a ‘bad guy’ to escape the hospital and his police guard. This leads to confused Samuel running around Paris trying to find his wife whilst working out who are the good guys and who are the bad.

84 minutes of pure action, No fillers!

 

 

I still have a large collection of French films to watch hence this weekend is only part 1, and I feel it is time to wipe the dust off my learn French timetable. Its time for more weekends of French immersion, roughly translated into sitting on my lazy arse watching more French films. In fact I haven't looked at any of my French books for over 3 months ( I blame the Olympics) and as my next trip to France will probably be without Monsieur X, my personal translator, it time to put my thinking cap on and disappear into my books.

 A l'année prochaine France!

Jack Black Weekend

Comedy Genius, Rock God, Love of My Life….for a weekend.

Last weekend the man was in town playing at the Wolverhampton Civic Hall. I was too broke to get a ticket and I presumed it was the same show I saw in Manchester in June, when Monsieur Black and Señor Gass rocked my socks off!

In honour I had a Tenacious D weekend on the sofa (and a few Wii breaks – I haven’t forgotten my French healthy life plan).  Of course John Malkovich is my favourite all time actor but with all the arty stuff and serial killing exploits, sometimes I need laughter in my life so step forward The Black!

I started the morning with my third favourite all time film and my favourite all time comedy – School of Rock.  If Dewey Finn was my music teacher and Eric Cantona my French teacher I would be a Rock Star living in Paris now.  This film is 9 years old and I’m still telling people to ‘Step Off’. In my option and probably the Grinch and Child Catcher would agree with me, the kids in this film are actually very good and not annoying unlike most child actors.  Sarah Silverman is vile as Dewey's evil nemesis his best friend’s girlfriend Patty and of course the role of rock music lover Dewey was the role Jack was born to play. I wonder if School of Rock 2 will ever be made.

 

I had a short break before my duties as my sister’s unpaid taxi driver (listening to Rize of the Fenix much to her friend’s annoyance), enough time to watch Friends Series 9 episode 15 ‘The One With The Mugging’ starring the brilliant musician and straight man in this comedy ‘Rock-God’ double act Kyle Gass, who played Phoebe’s friend who mugged Ross.  

Back to the sofa and next was High Fidelity: I love Barry; he is my dream (fat) man. He isn’t in the film much but he does steal all the scenes as the rude record shop co-worker.  Barry is the Usain Bolt of comebacks…he is so quick! And Sonic Death Monkey would be a close behind Tenacious D in the ultimate Jack Black Band.

 

Half way thought the day and time for more music, with Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny, sometimes when I watch this I think is this what Bill and Ted would be like middle-aged. Pick of Destiny is my joint favourite musical along with South Park the Movie (Uncle F**ker a musical masterpiece). Not much of a storyline, but who cares it’s the history of Tenacious D, a good film to watch when you want to rock and relax - Nothing to think about.

Early evening now, could I squeeze one more before Wannabee Factor? ‘That’s my condish!’ Gulliver’s Travels is a funny family film and after hours of swearing and rocking in Pick of Destiny it was a nice change.  I did watch this in 3D at the cinema, the only bit of 3D I remember was Jack's belly coming out of the screen.  I don’t remember reading the book, but I’ve seen a few TV programmes or films in my life to understand the story and even thou this version was very good, I don’t remember previous Gullivers singing ‘WAR’ at the end of it. As a wannabe travel writer, I don’t think I will be taking any advice from Jack’s Gulliver – this film is NOT a How to Manual.

Ok this isn’t the Gulliver’s Travel trailer, but it’s very funny.

Yes -this review is very biased but Jack Black isn’t free from a crap film or two – Margot at a Wedding and Envy: hours of my life wasted and the DVDs will be heading to eBay very soon.

Sunday
No time for movies, as I was stalking Tenacious D outside the Wolverhampton Civic Hall. It wasn’t a wasted day as I did meet Tenacious...or maybe it was D.  Jack why didn’t you come and meet the fans? And Kyle thank you for being so cool and spending time with your paying public.