French Weekend - Part 1

199 days until Cannes Film Festival. 35 days since I left my favourite country and the company of Monsieur X and I’m feeling very sorry for myself. I don’t want to scrap the ice off my car; I want to be sightseeing in Provence again.  So instead of listening to my learn French Cd's or looking though all my photos of my travels to France, I decided to watch a few of my Frenchie DVD collection.  If I can’t go to France maybe France can come to me and my sofa.

Beautiful Lies

I wish I looked like the gorgeous Audrey Tautou, I wish I had the talent of Audrey Tautou, Damm I wish I was Audrey Tautou!

This romantic comedy about a girl who tries to help her mom’s love life by playing cupid between her mom and the odd-job man who has a crush on Audrey’s character Emilie not her mother.  It’s a sweet comedy, nothing I haven’t seen before but much better than the usual American rom-coms.  

As I didn’t really have to think too much during this film, I used these 2 hours as a French lesson.

1. Read the subtitles and hope to pick up a few extra words to my très petite French vocabulary.
2. Take notes on Audrey/Emilie’s simple tomboy but feminine style:  Short bedhead hair, skinny jeans and fitted t-shirts.
3. Add Sete, the South of France to my Travel Bucket List. The beautiful marina setting would be an amazing place to live, after I have won the lottery.

After I went to Boredville City Centre for a short bedhead haircut and priced up the jeans and t-shirts in Gap.

French Film

‘I am a lucky man, lucky for three reasons.
Firstly because I am French.  
Secondly because I understand movies and third because I understand love…

...but mainly because I’m French’

Thierry Grimandi aka Eric Cantona.

So it’s not actually a French film but a British comedy. I needed to rest my eyes from all the subtitle reading. It was British humour at its best, but probably only the British would understand it. It wasn’t a piss-take of the French, I thought the joke was on us Brits and our inability to show ‘love’ and our different views of the L word too, and I thought my one experience of love was complicated.  I did watch it last month with Monsieur X he said it was OK and that he didn’t find it insulting - but he hasn’t spoken to me since so maybe he didn’t get the humour.

Hugh Bonneville was very good as the anti - love anti- French Englishman Jed and so was Anne-Marie Duff who played Sophie the gullible girlfriend of Hugh arrogant friend Marcus.  Then there is the reason I brought this DVD - Eric ‘the King’ Cantona who played film director Thierry Grimandi an over the top stereotypical French character who Jed was researching.  Whether Eric is a footballer, a detective (Switch) or an arty filmmaker – he just oozes cool.

Les Petit Mouchoirs

Back in September 2009, I went to visit Monsieur X, in another beautiful part of France, Lege Cap Ferret. During my stay, the filming of Les Petit Mouchoirs/Little White Lies was happening, and we did spent a few days cycling around the area looking out for the film set. All we found were high fences and people claiming to be friends of the actors or working on the film set.

I had to wait for 2 years for this film to be shown in the UK (it was worth it) and then another year until its DVD release and the opportunity to watch it over and over again.  Of course I love this film because of the scenery and my memories but the story is excellent as well. It’s about friendship and secrets showing all the characters highs and lows and it isn’t mushy like most American and British friendship/love story films and it is very funny.  François Cluzet is excellent as weasel hating stress head Max and my favourite Frenchie of the weekend Gilles Lellouche plays the hot Eric. To anyone who has seen this film, how many people to you think are actually trying the ’love/hate rice test’? I did think about it but I don’t think using Uncle Ben’s Microwave rice would work.

Excellent….and the soundtrack is cool and very overplayed. When I’m driving home in the rain after a merde day at work, I put these songs on and dream I’m driving around Cap Ferret it usually de-stresses me before I put my key in the door.

Cap Ferret 2009

Point Blank

Starring my Frenchie of the weekend Gilles Lellouche (a brilliant actor who just so happens to be hot) who played Samuel. Samuel was a married nurse whose pregnant wife was ready to pop. But like most loved up couples in the movie world, disaster strikes and his wife is kidnapped and he is forced to help a ‘bad guy’ to escape the hospital and his police guard. This leads to confused Samuel running around Paris trying to find his wife whilst working out who are the good guys and who are the bad.

84 minutes of pure action, No fillers!

 

 

I still have a large collection of French films to watch hence this weekend is only part 1, and I feel it is time to wipe the dust off my learn French timetable. Its time for more weekends of French immersion, roughly translated into sitting on my lazy arse watching more French films. In fact I haven't looked at any of my French books for over 3 months ( I blame the Olympics) and as my next trip to France will probably be without Monsieur X, my personal translator, it time to put my thinking cap on and disappear into my books.

 A l'année prochaine France!

Jack Black Weekend

Comedy Genius, Rock God, Love of My Life….for a weekend.

Last weekend the man was in town playing at the Wolverhampton Civic Hall. I was too broke to get a ticket and I presumed it was the same show I saw in Manchester in June, when Monsieur Black and Señor Gass rocked my socks off!

In honour I had a Tenacious D weekend on the sofa (and a few Wii breaks – I haven’t forgotten my French healthy life plan).  Of course John Malkovich is my favourite all time actor but with all the arty stuff and serial killing exploits, sometimes I need laughter in my life so step forward The Black!

I started the morning with my third favourite all time film and my favourite all time comedy – School of Rock.  If Dewey Finn was my music teacher and Eric Cantona my French teacher I would be a Rock Star living in Paris now.  This film is 9 years old and I’m still telling people to ‘Step Off’. In my option and probably the Grinch and Child Catcher would agree with me, the kids in this film are actually very good and not annoying unlike most child actors.  Sarah Silverman is vile as Dewey's evil nemesis his best friend’s girlfriend Patty and of course the role of rock music lover Dewey was the role Jack was born to play. I wonder if School of Rock 2 will ever be made.

 

I had a short break before my duties as my sister’s unpaid taxi driver (listening to Rize of the Fenix much to her friend’s annoyance), enough time to watch Friends Series 9 episode 15 ‘The One With The Mugging’ starring the brilliant musician and straight man in this comedy ‘Rock-God’ double act Kyle Gass, who played Phoebe’s friend who mugged Ross.  

Back to the sofa and next was High Fidelity: I love Barry; he is my dream (fat) man. He isn’t in the film much but he does steal all the scenes as the rude record shop co-worker.  Barry is the Usain Bolt of comebacks…he is so quick! And Sonic Death Monkey would be a close behind Tenacious D in the ultimate Jack Black Band.

 

Half way thought the day and time for more music, with Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny, sometimes when I watch this I think is this what Bill and Ted would be like middle-aged. Pick of Destiny is my joint favourite musical along with South Park the Movie (Uncle F**ker a musical masterpiece). Not much of a storyline, but who cares it’s the history of Tenacious D, a good film to watch when you want to rock and relax - Nothing to think about.

Early evening now, could I squeeze one more before Wannabee Factor? ‘That’s my condish!’ Gulliver’s Travels is a funny family film and after hours of swearing and rocking in Pick of Destiny it was a nice change.  I did watch this in 3D at the cinema, the only bit of 3D I remember was Jack's belly coming out of the screen.  I don’t remember reading the book, but I’ve seen a few TV programmes or films in my life to understand the story and even thou this version was very good, I don’t remember previous Gullivers singing ‘WAR’ at the end of it. As a wannabe travel writer, I don’t think I will be taking any advice from Jack’s Gulliver – this film is NOT a How to Manual.

Ok this isn’t the Gulliver’s Travel trailer, but it’s very funny.

Yes -this review is very biased but Jack Black isn’t free from a crap film or two – Margot at a Wedding and Envy: hours of my life wasted and the DVDs will be heading to eBay very soon.

Sunday
No time for movies, as I was stalking Tenacious D outside the Wolverhampton Civic Hall. It wasn’t a wasted day as I did meet Tenacious...or maybe it was D.  Jack why didn’t you come and meet the fans? And Kyle thank you for being so cool and spending time with your paying public.

My Bouches–du–Rhône Diet

‘You must have bread in the morning. It soaks up all the grease and fat you have eaten the night before’   Monsieur X

I started this Provence holiday 9 stone (57kg) with a Wii body of a 31 year old and wearing jeans so tight I was worried I was would either cut off my blood circulation or give myself Deep Vein Thrombosis.

I have red ‘French Women Don’t Get Fat’ by Mireille Guiliano and all the French diets in women’s magazines, trying to add a few useful tips to my daily diet but failing after a few days. But now after a British summer of feeling inspired by Olympians and Paralympians while lying on the sofa eating too much saturated fat and an invitation to go to the South of France, it was time to immerse myself in the French way of life and diet with all my evening meals being perfectly prepared by Master Chef Monsieur X.

 

My French Diet

Tuesday

After a change of clothes from peeling off my too tight jeans into a pair of his baggy shorts I could breathe again. Our evening meal started off with prawns, then a barbeque of lamb kebabs with taboulé oriental (type of couscous), finished off with a few glasses of red wine and a couple bottles of beer for supper.

Wednesday

First full day in le Sud and my skin and hair felt and looked in better condition already.  Monsieur X’s weather warning of a strong winds - ‘Mistral’ had gone by the morning (but did sound like someone was moving brinks during the night) and it was blue skies and fresh air. Today's exercise was 2 hours walking around Salon-de-Provence.

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of specially brought thé anglais (English tea).

Déjeuner: ½ a large ham pizza, salad and leftover taboulé oriental, with added sunshine and wine.

Dîner: Beefsteak peas and casserole de pommes de terre au cheddar. I’m not sure if I have the translation right; it was potatoes cheese and sauce out of a can with extra added cheese. C’est magnifique!

Breakfast for a week

Thursday

A busy day sightseeing in Arles and Nimes = A lot of walking and very sore feet.

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of tea…on the go.

Déjeuner: Le Café de Olive’s (Nimes) plat de jour, mashed potatoes and beef, with chocolate mousse for dessert.

Dîner: Fish with white sauce, corn and more bread to wipe up the sauce.

 

Friday 

Today’s exercise was an afternoon walking around Istres and down (and back up) a very steep hill to the port.  

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of tea.

Déjeuner: Fish and Chips, but a lot smaller portion than a typical English Friday portion and this French meal came with salad and rice.  Dessert was a small chocolate ice cream.

Dîner: Beef burger, piece of pork and and raviolis épinards (spinach ravioli).

Istres - the view was worth the steep hill walk.

 

Saturday

It was the day before an Ironman competition, super fit men and women walking around Aix-en-Provence, making my own fitness of walking for 2 hours (and an hour waiting for a bus) feel pretty pathetic.  Oh well maybe I’ll be fit for next year’s Ironman or maybe I will have another beer thinking about it.

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of tea.

Déjeuner: A large ham pizza from Miramas.

Dîner: Spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce.

Sunday

We walked off our Déjeuner by taking Monsieur X’s daily running route though the Miramas countryside. It takes him 40mintues most days, today it took 2 hours…My excuse I didn’t have my running gear with me!

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of tea.

Déjeuner: A barbeque with pork, sausage, salad and potato salad.

Dîner: Leftovers – a little bit of everything, potato salad, diced carrots, chicken wings and more salad.

Miramas Run- if Boredville looked like this, I would run more

 

Monday

À bientôt France, time to go home.

Petit déjeuner: French bread and butter and a cup of tea.

Déjeuner: Vietnamese restaurant, Miramas near the train station. Menu fixe with a side chicken salad and rice.  I’m not sure what I was eating but it was very nice.

Dîner: A cold horrible chicken burger at Stansted Airport

Apart from beaucoup wine and beer my only snacks were 4 Oreos, no crisps or chocolate all week and as a self-confessed chocoholic I'm proud of myself.  Now a few days back in cold and grey England, my skin and hair still feels better, my skinny jeans are still tight but I can breathe, my Wii age is 28 and I lost ½ stone (3kg).

Even thou Monsieur X’s above theory is not scientifically proven and professional chefs and Nutritionists wouldn’t be impressed with my French diet  I will give his philosophy a go for a month at least. It’s a pity I can’t find ingredients fresh air and sunshine in Boredville…but I hope a positive mind, Fitness TV and sit ups while watching Criminal Minds* re-runs might help.


* My understanding of the French language improved when I watched Esprits Criminels in France or was this due to the fact I had seen these episodes over and over again.

Miramas - My Gateway to Provence

First it was ‘this time last week’ blues now I’m suffering from serious ‘this time two weeks ago’ blues. Last Tuesday I was on a plane, last Wednesday I was sitting outside a bar in Salon-de-Provence drinking a beer and watching the French world go by with my personal holiday guide Monsieur X, last Thursday, and last Friday etc.

No hotel to pay for as I was staying at Hotel de X, Monsieur X’s home, (he said there is one hotel in Miramas but I couldn’t find it) I just had to pay my rent in wine and beer. My ‘hotel’ was a beautiful house in a quiet road about 10mintues walk away from the train station.

I flew from London Stansted to Marseille with Ryanair for £80 (without luggage).  British Airways and Easyjet also offer direct flights from London airports but they were either too expensive or terrible times as I had to catch a coach from Boredville. It’s my third flight to Marseille with Ryanair and I have never had a problem but I was still worried something would go wrong or an extra charge would appear. However everything was OK and even thou my flight left Stansted late, we arrived 10 minutes earlier than scheduled. Bravo Ryanair!

I was met at arrivals by Monsieur X, then a free short shuttle bus ride to the Vitrolles Marseille Provence Airport Train Station, and a 20 minute train journey to Miramas, passing the Étang de Berre lagoon, the pretty countryside and not so pretty Chemical Plant. ‘Now you’re in Provence’ he said as we walked out of Miramas train station. On the left side of the train track there were two bars, a Vietnamese restaurant, and a few shops (some always seemed to be closed) and of course a Boulangerie – it wouldn’t be France without one.

After an early night to recharge my travelled tired body, Salon-de-Provence was our next day visit. 15 minutes train journey (the bus journey back took 30mintues) for an afternoon in ‘Salon’ taking the free shuttle bus from the station to the centre, then walking around the shops, and finishing the sunny afternoon off at a bar next to the Fontaine Moussue for a cool beer for 3€ and a guilt trip to whether I should sell the Duchess of Cambridge Closer magazine on eBay while watching people eat massive ice creams in the next bar.

Fontaine Moussue

Thursday was more planned out Arles and Nimes in a day, an early morning start to catch the 9.30am train to Arles. We would spend 3 hours in Arles before our next direct train to Nimes and Monsieur X and the woman at the ticket office said there wasn’t much to do there – they was wrong!

A walk along the Rhone, though the ‘entrance’ to Arles and around the outside of the Arènes d'Arles (Amphitheatre) and through the ‘Jardin D Ete’ following other tour groups along the way.  It cost 6.50€ for entrance into the Roman Amphitheatre and the smaller Le théâtre antique d'Arles.  I think my photos give the theatre more justice than my description of this amazing arena.  I felt it was kept in such a good condition for bullfights and concerts; it could have been build a 100 years ago not 1000 years ago. Also unlike some English tourist attractions it wasn’t ruined with Health and Safety signs. After we walked around the narrow streets stopping off at free photo exhibition full of creepy face photographs (the Arles photo festival was on from 2^nd July – 23^rd September) and after a coffee and a Fanta (4€) at a bar near the Van Gough Cafe, it was then a quick walk or maybe a slow jog to the train station to make it in time for our Nimes train.

Arles Entrance                                   Le théâtre antique d'Arles 

Arènes d'Arles

Next stop Nimes to meet up with Monsieur X’s friend for lunch at Le Café De Olive on 22 Boulevard Victor Hugo, taking photos of the Amptheatre on the way without stopping to take in the view of the Eglise Sainte Perpétue (we was late). It was time to take in the atmosphere, rest our over walked feet, drink and eat a tasty plat de jour of mashed potato and beef with chocolate mousse for dessert (12€). A few hours later Monsieur X’s friend showed us the Les Jardins de la Fontaine.  If Boredville City Centre had a park like this I wouldn’t want to leave. A big quiet park a few minutes’ walk away from the car horns of the city centre.  After saying goodbye to his friend we had time for a slower walk past this Amphitheatre on the way back to our Miramas bound train.  No time to go in but one Amphitheatre is enough history for one day and besides it is 3 metres smaller than Arles.

                      

Nimes - Les Jardins de la Fontaine

Now I was half away though my holiday and we had visited 3 cities already, so Friday we decided to take it easy and only visited one city Istres.  While waiting for our train, we went to the other side of the Miramas track and had a drink in the square - Place Jourdan, Very quiet, sunny and relaxing watching the fountains opposite the church.

 

Miramas - Place Jourdan

 

The centre of Istres was undergoing a lot of road works and it was too noisy to eat at some of the popular restaurants but further up the road we found a plat de jour for lunch.  Friday’s fish and chips with a difference, unlike the English Friday meal it wasn’t wrapped in paper and it came with salad and rice.  After lunch we took a short bus ride to the pond, and Étang de Berre was a massive pond, a very steep walk down to the port, lots of boats, not many people, and brilliant views of the pond which to me looked like the sea. The blue view made the steep walk back up worth the pain in my legs. Luckily there was a direct bus back to Miramas, so no walking back to the train station.

 

Saturday consisted of lunch at Aux Trois Viandes, 36 Avenue Général de Gaulle, Miramas, there was only the two of us in the main street at lunchtime. 2 large pizza and drinks for around 35€ - bargain. Then two buses to Aix-en-Provence, one to Salon-de-Provence, a long wait and a beer for the next bus to Aix as there are not so many buses on a Saturday.  30 minutes bus ride to Aix and it was just like any other Saturday in any other city – very busy and had to hunt for a table in the bars situated around the Hotel de Ville (town hall) maybe even busier because the Ironman competition was happening the next day and all the barriers were set up.

 

My last full day was a relaxing Sunday in Miramas, sitting in his garden trying to find some shade to read my book and after lunch we worked off our large lunch by walking though the Miramas countryside, getting a little closer to old Miramas - Miramas le Vieux… maybe next time. Boredville is going to feel even more boring now.

 

 

 

Merci Monsieur X for a relaxing break and

Merci Bouches-du-Rhône for the beautiful views.