Saturday 25 May 2013

Help! I think I've turned American

I dream I could take a pill and be able to speak fluent French and live happily in Provence thanks to my lottery win (still waiting for my numbers to come up). However recently I think I’m an American.

The signs are:

1.   After hundreds of hours of revision disguised as watching TV. I’m sure I’m fully qualified to work for any of these three letters - BAU, NCIS, CTU, FBI, CIA, SUV, CBI etc. I think I know more about the US Navy than the British one. Semper Fi!

2.   If I ever had kids – I think Dexter, Walden, Chandler, Brick and Axel are great names for them.

3.   I ‘profile’ everyone (reason 1001 why I’m still single) including family, friends and work colleagues and I’m sure a few of them show serial killer/psychopath characteristics.

4.   Obsessed with random numbers – what does they mean? Is it the end of the world? Where do the threads lead to? 

5.   My manners have improved my swearing has been reduced to letters. For true no B.S you S.O.B! But I have stopped myself from calling people Sir and Ma’am

6.   When I watch Sky, BBC and France 24 news I think unsubs and perps instead of suspects and defendants and if I ever found myself in trouble I would ‘lawyer up’.

7.   I think there is a ‘Revolution’ coming whenever there is a power cut or when my phone/laptop battery is low. I’ve even printed a few of my favourite photos just in case.

8.  My walk to the office with other Wage Slaves it feels like I’m stuck in a Walking Dead episode I feel more Walker than Walker Bait.

9.  Even after 9 years since its last episode I SO still speak like Chandler…and continue to use their catchphrases.  For Example ‘I’m not just a hat stand my friend’ & ‘Lips moving still talking’.

10.If I ever suffer from a blunt force trauma I wouldn’t go to Casualty I would go to the ER.

I still have a bit of Britishness left in me.  I don’t have the same appetite like Hannibal, I haven’t felt the need to fight crime with a bow and arrow and  I haven’t broken out into song yet like Glee or Smash and in Birmingham the only music in the streets is usually the out of tune local loons and drunks not like the talented bunch in Treme.

All I can now say is God Bless America!!!

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